Being a Parent is a Sacred Duty
I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I didn't have the financial stability, emotional maturity, or experience needed for the job. But something inside me told me that I had to do it.
When I became a mother 19 years ago I had no idea what the hell I was doing or what I was going to do
I found out I was pregnant with Airis at 24 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, I was shocked and surprised. I never wanted to be a mother. Growing up in the home and my childhood, motherhood was the last experience I ever thought I would have. I was sexually abused as a child, my home life was filled with domestic violence, and after my suicide attempt at 15 years old, I internalized the belief that I was broken, unloveable, and unworthy due to all my experiences.
After a week or two of tears, mourning the life I thought I was going to have for myself, and facing the fear of telling all of the family the news of the unexpected arrival of my firstborn in a little over 3 months, I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I decided to keep my baby and become a mother.
I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I didn't have the financial stability, emotional maturity, or experience needed for the job. But something inside me told me that I had to do it. That this child was meant to be in my life for a reason.
I had no idea how to be a good role model or how to provide a stable and safe environment for my child. I moved out of my parent’s house 6 months before finding out I was pregnant and barely finished cosmetology school. I was scared of repeating the same patterns of abuse and dysfunction that I experienced growing up and nervous that my mental health would get in the way of me being a present parent.
I went through a lot of inner turmoil, doubts, and fears. I was scared of how life would change, of being responsible for another human being, of not being able to give the baby everything he or she needed.
One thing I knew for sure which was if I was going to be a mother, I wasn’t going to raise my children the way my parents raised me.
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